Liz Bellmer, Woman Of A Certain Age

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I'm 52 next month. I got shit going on with my body that I did not ever realize was gonna be happening to me. And I was like, what the hell is this? 

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Welcome to another episode of Chewing the Fat. I am your host, Big Robb. Thank you so much for everyone, for buying me coffees at Chewingthefatbr.com. I really appreciate that. Helps keep the podcast rolling, keeps me up and energized. And also what I really love is your words of support on Instagram and Facebook and the reviews and ratings on Apple Podcasts. Thank you so much. I can't tell you thank you enough for all of that. It really does make this all worthwhile. I'm really excited about my guest today.

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scheduled a couple of times to try and get her in here. But please welcome Liz Bilmer. Hey. Hey, Liz. Welcome to the studio. Thank you so much for agreeing to do this. Thank you. I know you see. I'm sorry. That was OK. See, I told you. It's like somebody's strung out of tune guitar over there. You reached out to me, I guess, about a month or so ago. And I guess schedules just didn't work out.

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It's funny, I talk about theater folks, and that's where I was introduced to you and where our friendship started. It's always right when I got in from Birmingham, so it's probably been 15 or so years. It has, it's been, I think about, everybody knew Dave before they knew me, and then they met me and liked me more. Kidding. But yeah, it's been about 14 years. Yeah, Liz is, like I said,

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Dave who performed a lot with the Augusta players and you have how many children that have gone through the players as well? I have four children who have gone through the players. Grace and Lee, the two oldest, started with, it's funny because Debbie Ballas and I became such good friends and her daughter Claudia was doing a version of Charlotte's Web when the kids were younger and Sean was, my youngest was just born so he was about a year old so

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18 years ago. So yeah, which is crazy when I say that because I'm like, oh, I've known everybody for 14 years. No, I've known everybody for a long time. Yeah. But anyway, the two of them got cast and Claudia and I knew each other, but Dave hadn't yet gotten involved with much. And so I knew her first and then we just kind of got involved and Dave got involved and the rest is history. We've just been really super involved with everything.

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went through it and here we are. Yeah, now you're involved with the players. You've never done anything on stage. Never and I never will. Why? I'll do this because nobody can see me. Okay, okay. I'm just not that kind of person. But you are a huge arts supporter though for sure. Yes, absolutely. I am the support system. Yeah, and you know, everybody needs that. And so you're one of the faces I always look forward to seeing when I'm,

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were in rehearsals or performing or things like that. Always know it's gonna be a good time if the Belmers are involved. So Liz, what have you got going on right now? What's going on with life? You've been through a lot of changes. I've seen you, you know, a huge arc of things and we can go through all of that stuff. But what's going on right now? What's going on today? Today, today I am still, you know, mom to the ones that love me the most.

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Except the ones that still at home. Well, none of them are home anymore. It's kind of crazy. We've got this, I've got this empty nest and I've never had an empty nest before and it's very strange. Sean, our youngest is in, he's in Millageville. He's in his second year of school. And it's crazy, but I, you know, living on my own for the first time in ever and started a business a few years ago, bought a business in Aiken

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was super excited about it. Love and Life, it was doing really great. And that thing that shall not be named happened. And when you own an escape room, it's really, really hard to keep it open in the midst of a pandemic. Because it's basically touch everything, look at everything, be in a room with lots of people and try to get out. Right, a small room. Yes, a very small room that you cannot social

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distance in. Yeah, it's almost the exact opposite of what they told you to do. Exactly. And so for a while we had to shut down and then when they let us open, it was very limited in what we could do. And it was a really tough decision, but I decided that I needed to, you know, just not be doing that anymore because it was bleeding me dry. So sadly closed that business and just started working. I worked for a plumbing company here locally.

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what it says about me that working with a group of guys that are, you know, plumbers and what have you is just a super great fit for me, but it's a super great fit for me and I'm super happy there. That's awesome. Just, you know, living the dream, doing what I got to do to, to, you know, get up in the morning and put my feet on the ground and keep moving. That's awesome. So what, I mean, obviously the, the, the world of the, of the kids not being at home and being an empty nest or how has that changed? Like your,

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you're getting up in the morning routine. How I mean, dude, let me tell you this was okay. So what people may or may not know about me as I was stay at home mom for a long time. When we found out I was pregnant, the first thing that Dave said to me was, I hope you want to stay home. And it was like the heavens opened up and this sunshine shined down on me. And it was like, yes, this is all I've ever wanted. Because if you had asked 10 year old Liz, what does she want to

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as a mom. That's awesome. And so I was able to stay home with them and my mornings, afternoons, evenings, I lived and breathed my children. And so when the first one went off to college, it was very tough. You guys can remember that, I'm sure. And then the second one went off and then it's funny because, and I tell Abby this all the time, Abby's my third. And when she left

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to school, it was like really hard. And I was like, why is this so hard for me? And I've recognized and I've always, I call her my somebody because when I would haul her out and you know, from the kitchen, hey, would somebody do this or would somebody do that? It was always Abby that did it. And so when she left and went off to school, which we're so blessed that we were able to send them off to school, all of them off to school away and they just had such amazing,

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and great experiences. But Abby was my somebody. She was my somebody. She did everything for me. And so when she left, it was tough. And then Sean, you know, took off and he went off to school in Milledgeville. And not having anybody at home is just very, very strange. I have two little dogs, Lucy and Vivi, who keep me company, who, you know, look forward to me coming home. And it's just a

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I can remember waking up every day after I found out I was pregnant with Grace. And I've always told people before my feet hit the ground, I always said to myself and just asked for, whatever being is out there that's controlling all of us, just make me be better. Help me be better than what I had. And I don't wanna sit here and say that I had bad parents because I didn't, but I wanted to be better. I wanted to do better.

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by my children than I felt like was done by me. And now I, you know, for 28 years I've done that. I get up in the morning and that's what I do. I ask to be better. And it's, you know, some days it's a bigger struggle than it was and now it's not so much asking to be a better parent because I feel like I knocked that crap out of the ballpark. When I look at my four kids, I'm like, nobody's perfect but damn did I come close.

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I came so close to perfect parenting because they're just such amazing individuals. And now it's more, you know, you wake up and before your feet hit the ground and before my dog jumps off the bed, it's like, you know what, help me be better. I just wanna be better. And that really encompasses so many different things. It's not only just being a better human being, but it is focusing on getting better because there's so many things

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I think all of us go through and none of us really talk about because we're afraid to or we're embarrassed or whatever that might be for us. I just ask, let me be better. Whether, like I said, whether it's a better human, whether it's a better parent, whether it's a better person, whether it's a better friend, whatever that might be, or maybe it's some, most days at these, most days now it's just help me get better. Yeah. Help me get better. Yeah.

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You went through a big, I would say, getting better period transformationally with your health. I did. Because when I met you, you know, you were on the fluffy side like me. I liked, you know, it's funny. I thought about this today when we were, when I was just, you know, just thinking about, oh my God, I'm gonna go sit with Rob and be on a freaking podcast. What is that even gonna look like? And I was like, you know what?

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I know it's not gonna, because nobody can see me. But I thought about it, I was like, oh my God, Rob knew Fat Liz, and I was like, you know what? Why do you call her Fat Liz? That's not very nice. But it's what I felt at the time, and it's how I identify myself back then. And it's funny because a friend of mine at one point, I'd be like, you know, there's McDonald's on this corner, you turn there, and I was like, oh man, I didn't realize that Fat Liz gave directions by fast food places, but I did. Because it was just a different time

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my life, but yeah, I did go through some transformations and then, um, you know, you get to a place where you're like, oh my gosh, I feel like a rock star. I am in the best health I've ever been. My, my body's in the best shape it's ever been in. And then you have this birthday and there's a five in it and a zero in it and it's not zero five, it's five zero. And you wake up and suddenly you're a different person.

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Nobody told you that that was going to happen. And I know there's a ton of women out there and younger, older, my age, whatever it might be. If you're younger than me and you haven't yet hit the Minna Monster, I'm here to tell you it's doable, but she's not fun. She's not fun. She will change your outlook. She will change your body. All of those things and you just don't realize that it's about to happen.

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course with the pandemic and stress eating and you know, the kids would all come over. I'm like, it is five o'clock somewhere. Where's the corkscrew? I really hope we weren't the only family drinking at noon. But you know, at that point it was like, it was a free for all. Yeah. But I did go through some major transformations and I'm super glad that I did it. And it was life changing. I think it changes everything about you. It changes. I don't want to say it changes who you are

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It changes how you look. It doesn't change who you are. And I think a lot of people don't understand that. I don't think there's a lot of perception that goes along with that. Self perception as well as perception from other people as well. I claim the title Fat Guy. I know I am a Fat Guy and I wear it like armor, which means that it can't harm me. So you tell me Fat, oh, you want to, I'm okay. I'm like, yes, apparently your eyes work. Because I am. Right.

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And I'm comfortable. And do I want to lose some weight? Yes. Do I want to, you know, do I wish I had, you know, Duane Johnson physique? Sure, that would be awesome. But to me, it's the perception. Like I work hard in reading and staying educated and being up on technology and, you know, all this other stuff because that's who I am because I don't want to be considered or perceived as a slovenly

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or a slob or, you know, dumb because of being fat because I happen to enjoy eating and I do. And I go to the doctor and I'm in perfect health when the doctor's looking at my blood work and he's like, how? How? I was like, I don't know, but it's awesome. And you know, it's hard for him to say, well, I need you to do this, this, this because he's like, well, like. When your blood work shows. Everything's good. And you know, and I think,

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that perception is reality. Just that is such a Debbie Ballas saying, but I do think that people look at us and they perceive you differently. I mean, I know that I was perceived very differently when I was heavy and I was fat Liz. And then you start to make these changes. And it's funny because you liked, you know, I do like to say I'm the same on the inside as I was back then, but the reality is

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go through weight loss the way that I did. And of course, everybody assumes that you've done something, you know, medicinally or surgery, surgically or you know, something to that effect. And the reality is, is I did what they tell you to do. I died, you know, fewer calories in, more calories burn, you're gonna lose weight until you hit 50. Then it's not gonna work anymore. You gotta drop back and pun at that point. But I still haven't figured out that pun. I haven't gotten it off the ground, but we're working on it.

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But it does affect you mentally. It does change, because people do start to perceive you differently, and you really have to analyze and look at yourself. And it does, and this is one of the things I talked to with the woman who owned the gym that I was going to at the time, is the emotional effect of weight loss. Nobody talks about it. You know, I'm realizing, just sitting here talking to you, there's so much that we don't freaking talk about. There's just so much that we don't talk about

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It really does delve into the mental side of things and I'm still as far as we've come. I just don't think enough people are willing to open up about the mental side of things and how they affect us and how they affect our emotions, how they affect the way we are and how they affect the things that we do. I just don't think enough of us talk about it. But yeah, I mean the emotional side of weight loss is as big if not bigger in my opinion. Yeah.

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and things fit different and you look good and everybody's telling you how great you look, but then you start to question yourself. Well, what did I look like before? What did you think of me before? And those types of things. And so there's just many aspects of it. Yeah, it's just, and I think that ties into what you're talking about as far as like, people don't talk about stuff and it's so much harder now to navigate even conversations. It really is. And that's, okay, I'm gonna get

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As a woman, I just feel like there's so much that we are held to. And there's so many things that we as women just don't want to discuss with one another because we're, you know, number one, you either think that nobody else is going through what you're going through or, you know, it's embarrassing the things that are happening to you or, you know, the way that you're feeling.

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be more in control and those types of things. And, you know, I was standing in the pharmacy the other day and this is just funny, cute little story. And I, you know, I'm 50, I'll be 52 next month. I got shit going on with my body that I did not ever realize was gonna be happening to me. And I was like, what the hell is this? And it was just a particular symptom of that lovely mental monster that we all get to go through. And if you don't get to go through it because you had some kind of surgical procedure,

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of us are fighting the battle and it's a pain in the ass. But anyway, I said something and I used the biblical term for the lady parts and I said it under my breath and I was in the pharmacy, a very, it's a, it's a, it's custom pharmacy and there's only like three women in the store with me and I was talking to the pharmacist who happened to be a man and I was like, what is this about? And what is that? And I used that word and I said it under my breath. I'm like, why are we not, why are we not talking about this? Why can we not?

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say the V word in front of other women and you know and he was just laughing because I was like I didn't know about this this and this and you know the night sweats and this and then that and he kind of laughed me said turn around a look and there was a woman behind me who's just fanning herself and there's another woman behind me just shaking her head yes and I'm like our grandma's did not tell us this and I don't know about y'all but my mama didn't tell me what was gonna happen to me and I thought I was losing my damn mind and I just got to the point where I was like you

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know what, we need to start talking about this more because I have two daughters and Lord willing one day I'll have two daughter-in-laws and I hope that they love me enough that they are willing and ready and open and will talk to me about things that are going on in their lives. But I'm like, somebody needs to tell this next generation coming up exactly what's going to happen to them and just empower them, I guess to some degree to be okay with what's happening to our bodies.

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have irrational thoughts and you're not gonna know where they came from and accepting that that's normal and that's okay. Yeah. And as you say, I think, especially moms, you are held to, I mean, of course, children put their parents on pedestals. They damn well better. But whether they realize it or not, but that's the thing is you're just mom. You're the rocksteady, you're always there,

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as always made, the clothes are magically washed. They don't see the work that goes into being a mom, you know? And the mental gymnastics you do to coordinate for children's schedules with theater and football and soccer and baseball and every other endeavor that they wanna do as well as getting to school on time and making sure they're fed and making sure that dinner's cooked and everybody has a meal and all of that stuff. I mean, women are held to such a crazy standard

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But when I look at a woman now who has decided, and that's what we decided, for our family, we didn't have the big house, the fancy cars. For our family, what we decided was important was having somebody there when the kids got home and having somebody there to take the kids where they needed to be. And when I look at the four of them now, I look at Grace, who's a high school teacher, who is very loved by her students,

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individual. And I look at Lee, who's a deputy sheriff and, you know, just very dedicated to what he does and just the most even tempered. You know, if I could blow sunshine up his butt, I would. I just he's such an incredibly easygoing person. And he's just so calm and his nature is so amazing. And then I look at Abby, and she's in PT school, she's going to be finished soon. And she's just an incredible

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human being who cares about everything in life. And I look at Sean who's, you know, finding his way in college and living his best life right now, which he should be doing. But I look at the four of them and the relationship that they have with one another and the relationships that they have with me and with Dave. And I'm so proud of that time that I spent at home with them and I'm so grateful. And I know that not everybody wants that and I know that not everybody can have that.

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I don't begrudge anybody their decisions in life. And I just think everybody has to do what's best for them. But for us, that's what was best. And I just look at those kids and I'm like, damn. It took me a long time. It took me probably until Grace was in high school for me to recognize that I had a part in that, that they just didn't come out this way. And that they just, some of it is, but I looked at it, I'm like, I worked really hard to get them where they're at.

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that everything they were doing and everything that they needed and you know, I worked really hard to get them where they are. And it took me a while to acknowledge it, but I, you know, I do acknowledge that and I do own that. And I've always said to my kids, I said, don't own something that's not yours. Do not own anything that doesn't belong to you because here's the reality, it's not yours and you can't, you can't fix and or change it. It belongs to somebody else. But if it's yours, own it. Yeah. Good or bad. Yeah. Own it. Yeah.

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bad fix it. Yeah. But I started to own my part in and who they've become. And I'm proud of it. And you should be you provided stability, you provided a strong foundation for them to grow on, right? You know, and as a as a father, you know, sometimes those are things that I missed out on with my boys, because the dynamic was, you know, I'm going to work, I'm going to bring the money. And, and for me,

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one job, two jobs, three jobs, four jobs at a time, because that's what I felt we needed to do to make the money to have the life so that they could have the things and all that stuff. And some of those foundational moments are things that I don't have regrettably. I mean, I was there for my kids, I was there for them and we still have a great relationship. But those things that you're talking about that type of stuff, I just was not

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things because my role was not that. And I think that's really important when you're talking about raising a family and you decide those roles and that's, you deal with that and that's where you are and you have to try and interject yourself. And this is a father speaking, you have to try to interject yourself into that foundation as much as you possibly can. Absolutely. And I, you know, I watched Dave do it. And as the kids have gotten older and you know, Dave and I split up and, you know, we're kind of managing and working

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on finding that again. But that whole dynamic changed. And Sean was, Sean was 16. He was a sophomore in high school when that split happened. And it was very difficult and very different for him as you know, as opposed to the other three, it was difficult for all four of them, not because sit here and say it wasn't. But the dynamic was very different for him. But I look, I sit back and I'm that kind of person that you know, everything happens for a reason. We may not know what it is.

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But everything happens for a reason. And what happened with me and that relationship, it had to happen in order for me to get where I'm at now. And like I said, eventually we're going to find our way back to one another. It's just very timid at this point. But I look at how it opened up the relationships that the kids have with Dave now. And not that it was a good thing.

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to unquote for us to be apart from one another, but in us being apart from one another, it just opened up so many valuable things to everybody in our family. And the way we depend on one another now is very different than it was before. And I do hope and pray that one day we will, you know, be sitting in rocking chairs, looking at our grandchildren and kind of, you know, chuckle about these few years that, you know, took Liz to, you know, kind of find yourself and what have you.

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I just, you were saying as a father you have to interject yourself and find a way into these things because Dave worked. He was gone all the time and I was home with the kids and they depended on me for so many things. And now I see them open up and seek his help and seek his advice. And I think that also comes with just age where it doesn't have to be a split in the family or anything like that. But it's just amazing to me how as they age

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how the dynamic just changes and the relationships change. And it's been kind of nice to watch how, especially the youngest, especially Sean, has really had to learn to depend more on his dad, as opposed to, you know, mom having to fix everything or what have you, not that I fix anything for him, but it's just different. The dynamic has changed and it's different. And I hope that one day we'll be able

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and go, you know what, it sucked, but it's really good that it happened because it brought us where we are now. And it just kind of changed the, sometimes, yeah, I like to use the expression, you can just sometimes just kind of drop back and punt. And I feel like that's where we're at. We're just dropping back and we're gonna punt and it's gonna be okay. I don't know football terminology. And if I said, I don't know what happens when you punt a football, I really don't. I have no idea. I shouldn't probably use that analogy because it's like, you drop back and punt, what the fuck happens to the ball?

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I'll have to pun it. Maybe I need to figure that out. Maybe once I figure that out, I can move on. There we go. I'll find it, I don't know. You were talking about some of the stuff earlier that you just don't know. That like, you're the discussions you'd ever had and things that happen that mom, grandma, maybe never told you. Maybe this is one of those kind of things. Maybe, you know, because you have to think

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and being the children of other humans, that maybe they had the same kind of things that went on that you never knew about, you know? And I do think that that's the case because I know in talking with my mother as an adult, there's so many things about her life that you just didn't share because they're your kids and so you don't talk about it. And I feel like as my kids have gotten older, I do share more with them than probably they even want me to

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But I do, I think that there are, there's such a stigma of, you know, when you go through something hard in your life that you just don't want to talk about it to anybody. But what I have found for me anyway is the more I talk about it, the easier it becomes to deal with. You know, again, as a woman, and you know, I would love to know at some point, you know, shoot me a message on Facebook or whatever. If you're a woman going through this or you're a, you know,

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a younger girl that's just dealing with some other things, but how much information do you want? How much information do you need? Because I feel like there are so many of us out there who are going through things. And if I could just start a big coffee clutch with all of these fantastic women who I know, we all have something to share. You know, it's not just women, but we all have something to share with one another. We all have something to talk about and we all need to stop being so damn afraid

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and how that's gonna be perceived. Because everybody's going through something and all of it's normal. We've gotta normalize everything basically. Stop feeling like you're alone because whatever you're going through as a 50 year old woman who wakes up one morning and goes, this was not here before. And I'm talking about that little belly pooch that I had gotten control of two years ago and I woke up and went, what the hell is that? My pants don't fit the same.

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Yeah, we're all dealing with it. We're all going through all of these changes and all of these things that happen to us. And, you know, as young mothers, you know, sometimes you don't like your kids because they're jerks and and what you love them all the time. But sometimes they're just assholes and you got to acknowledge that that's normal to feel that way and it's OK. Yeah. It's OK. Just talk about it. Talk about it. Yeah. So you are. Well, I'll just say this. You say you got a platform right now. What is one nugget that you could give?

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It's going to help a young woman coming along, you know, or something even an older woman that maybe not know what's one nugget you can give right now that's going to add some value. It's going to at least open their eyes to be aware of what's what lies ahead in womanhood. You know, what's that? What's one thing you wish maybe you had known early on? I wish I had known that.

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wake up one day and emotionally, physically, I guess mentally is the same as emotionally, but things are just going to look different. The world is going to look just a little bit different because your hormones are going to change and things that you used to be able to eat and it was fun. You can't eat that anymore. I can't drink wine anymore. What the hell is wrong with that? But something about I can't drink wine ever since I turned

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you're going to be bloated, you're going to feel like shit, but it's normal. And one of the things that you have to do is you have to talk to your healthcare professionals, you have to talk to your friends, you have to talk to whoever will listen to you about the changes that are happening to your body. And hormones are a real crazy thing. And here's the funny thing is when we are coming up,

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fun little thing that's gonna happen, that's gonna make you a woman, and it's gonna, you know, all of the fun things about menstruating, there's nothing fun about it, number one. But we know what the hell's gonna happen because our mothers tell us this is gonna happen to you, and this is what you're gonna have to deal with for the next 40 plus years. When we get pregnant, our mothers tell, there are books everywhere, oh my God, what to expect when you're expecting. Everybody's gonna give you advice. People you don't know are gonna come up

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belly, all of the things. You know everything from A to Z to double eight, all of it. You know everything to expect when you're going to have that baby. You mostly are told what to expect after that baby comes. But nobody tells you that one day you're going to wake up and be a hormonal, crazy bitch. And nobody's going to, nobody knows when it's going to happen. Some people happens 45.

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Some women are blessed and don't get it until they're 55. All of the things, you just, nobody tells you that this is what's gonna happen and you kind of have to whisper to, when did you stop having your period because, all of those things that we, we're all curious about it, when is that gonna end? I mean, it started when I was 10, I'm almost 52, when the book is it going away? All of those things, start talking, write a damp, somebody needs to write a book about what's gonna happen to you in menopause. I mean, there's lots of TikTok channels now that women are, you know,

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I'm starting to talk about it, but I'm just at this point where I'm like, okay, CSRA, are you ready to talk about it? Cause I'm ready to fucking talk about it. It's just crazy. The nugget is you never know what's gonna happen, but whatever's happening is completely normal. It's completely normal. We're all going through it. I'm just gonna start telling you that I am. So meet me in the grocery store. I'll tell you. And I will probably make a Facebook post

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I'm not gonna laugh because that I'm still waiting Maybe it's November 16th on my birthday who knows but I'm done done

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This is the second second of the show where we'd like to dive a little bit more deeper into you and into mental health That's one of the reasons why I really started this podcast So my question to you is how do you stay positive and how do you keep the dark at bay?

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I'm really good at it some days, and I'm really bad at it other days.

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For me, it's, I mean, I'm not gonna sit here in line and say that I haven't had really, really dark days that I have just thought, you know, what the hell are you doing? Why are we here? What's happening? And I think unfortunately it is a very real part of a lot of people's lives when they think, why am I still here? And it would just be so much easier if I wasn't. For me, I'm a product of a lot of different things. And,

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Again, I've made the comment earlier that I didn't have bad parents, but I had bad things happen to me when I was young. I had really shitty bad things happen to me. And it wasn't until about seven years ago that I started to really acknowledge them. I mean, there were things that I kind of had there in the back of my head and that I'd talked to myself about. But it wasn't until something very traumatic happened in our family that it really came back to me. And

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I went through all of the traumatic emotions that you go through when you figure out that shit, this happened to me and this is not okay and nothing about this is okay. And you're still having to interact with the people that caused some of that pain or weren't there for you while you were going through that trauma. And it's hard and nobody wants to talk about it. But I got to the point where I was like, you know what?

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about this and I did. I sought out therapists. I had numerous therapists, one that I found that really did me some good and really gave me some coping mechanisms and some tools to genuinely get better. And I do feel like I am on that path to being better and being able to put aside and not, I think too many of us tuck things away. We tuck it away. We tuck it away.

35:58
Um, I had one therapist tell me and I don't know, I hope you're listening because it was the shittiest advice I'd ever gotten. But I was, my kids were young and we were talking about different things that had happened to me. And he told me, he said, put it all in a box, put it in a box, big box, tie a big bow around it. And every once in a while, go and take a little bit out of that box. Well, I had four kids. I didn't have time to take anything out of anybody's box.

36:28
too busy putting toys back in the toy box to take anything out of my brain box. So I didn't deal with any of it. But what happened is that box kept getting bigger and it just kept pulsating. It was like all these things that are in there, you know, I want to talk about it. I want to come out. I want to, you know, and they, what I found is that they created more anxiety in my life. They created anger. They created so many things that I had no freaking idea. Why are you feeling this?

36:58
You know, I'd lose my shit over a toy on the floor and then later realize, yeah, that wasn't about that toy on the floor. This isn't about my kids at all. This is about me and that box and what needs to happen. And when that traumatic event happened in our family, seven, seven and a half. Well, shit, be eight years next month. Um.

37:20
box blew it freaking blew up and it was all there and it was like I I've always said it was like these big fucking jack-in-the-box clowns just like flailing around in my head I was like oh dear Jesus what do I do with this how do I handle this and and and I really had I was forced I was really forced to acknowledge my own pain and acknowledge my own trauma and and recognize what it happened to me and start to talk about it

37:50
And here's poor Dave at the time. It's like all of these things that you, I knew were there, but they were hidden so deep, none of us knew they were there. And, you know, but I do think that when you find yourself in a situation where you're recognizing and acknowledging your trauma, you know, find somebody, whether it's a therapist, whether it's a best friend, whether it's somebody, I mean, I cannot tell you the number of times I sat at Debbie Ballas' table over tea and coffee, just talking through

38:20
any different things because it was a safe place. Just find a safe place, find a soft place to land, find whatever that might be, whether like I said, it's a therapist, a friend, a spouse, whatever that might be, find that person that you can share these things with when you have time and when you can and when you're strong enough. And what I found is with every single time that it came up and every single time that I dealt with just a little bit more of it, it becomes easier.

38:50
I encourage anybody that's got trauma, has had trauma in their life, and trauma is so different for so many different people. It just, it shows itself differently. Everybody has different things that happen that are traumatic, and some people's trauma is huge, and some people just had a traumatic event that put them into this place and what have you. And one of the things I would encourage anybody who has stuff that they deal with is to recognize

39:20
stuff is your stuff and you have to deal with it the way that you can. You know one of the things that I learned how to do very recently through some therapy is

39:35
For me, it was a six-year-old little girl and a 12-year-old little girl that simply had some shit done to them that wasn't fun, wasn't kind. And they've been living inside of me for a long time, and they haven't been taken care of. And in order for me, 52-year-old Liz, to feel completely whole again, I'm going to take care of those little girls that live inside of me that weren't cared for the way they should have been.

40:05
acknowledge their pain and acknowledge their anxiety. And one of the things that I learned is, you know, when you feel this anxiety, because I started having anxiety attacks and panic attacks and things that I was like, what the hell is this? What, I've never experienced this before what the hell's going on with me. One of the things that my therapist said was, acknowledge it, that anxiety is there for a reason. It's a protective mechanism that your brain has put into place. It's a protective mechanism. And acknowledge that anxiety.

40:35
Thank it. But just let it know. I need about 10 minutes with 12 year old me. Just give me some time. Let me be with her. Let me acknowledge her pain. Let me teach her that it's going to be okay and that we're going to move on from this. But the longer you stay here and the longer you keep me feeling the way that you're, you know, the longer you protect me from myself. Basically.

41:05
I'm gonna get with her and them, you know, so it's at the time it just seems so crazy but the more I've worked with it and the more I've, you know, done some work with myself, it's so true, you know, you feel like, you know, when you have this panic attack or when you have this anxiety instead of going like, oh my God, I'm going crazy. Okay, take that deep breath, take that minute to acknowledge that, yeah, your brain realizes you're about to go through some shit and it needs to protect you from it.

41:35
And acknowledge, I appreciate that. I'm, thank you. Give me five. I need five. I need you to step away for just five minutes and give me some time to deal with this. And it works for me. Not, everybody is gonna find their thing, but for me, this is what's working right now. And I don't know if it's always gonna work, but for now it's working. And I could sit and dwell in everything that's happened to me. But my reality is I have so many things

42:05
that are better, that are more important than what I've been through. I look at myself and first of all I think I'm a pretty damn good person. You know people like me, I like myself, not always, but most days I like who I am and who I've become and I have to look at that and I

42:35
of the things that happened to me. And in spite of the things I was taught, in spite of the way I was raised, I did better. I did a lot better. And, you know, I touched on it earlier that I, you know, I made a conscious effort to every day.

42:58
focus on being better, getting better. And, you know, for me, it's just getting up in the mornings and acknowledging that, regardless of where I've been, I've got better places to be. And there are days that, you know, I get to work and I'm in a shitty mood, because whatever happens has happened. And I've thought about certain things. And, you know, you go through these these

43:28
great and then you start to, you know, you lose things and you lose people and that takes you into a darker place and then you have to really acknowledge what would that person want for you where, you know, where are you really? But for me it's my kids, it's Dave, it's just, it's a lot of different things but you know especially it's my kids and

43:58
and I just have...

44:02
They deserve, they deserve a better me. They just do. And I think that, you know, the world deserves for me to be better. And you know, the crazy thing is, it's not even that, it's not just that the, that my kids deserve for me to be better, I do. And I'm finally getting to this place in my life where I can acknowledge that I deserve,

44:32
to be better. And it's more about me. I've spent so many years, 28 years, where it was all about the kids and all about, you know, you really, you know, as a, being a parent, you just put everything aside for your kids. You just, you know, you don't do things or you do do things and, you know, all of the stuff that you do for your kids. And you really put yourself aside and you don't focus on you and you don't work on you. And, you know,

45:02
point now where the kids are old enough that you have time to focus a little more on you. And I think what I'm learning and what's actually kind of fun to acknowledge is that I'm worth that.

45:19
All right, Liz, it is time now for segment number three. This is I'm so scared. Fast five, fast five. Fast five. It's the fast five powered by Poddex. It's an app created by my friend Travis Brown. It's great for conversation starters or if you have to talk to somebody, you can use the Poddex. I'm using the app right now, but if you go to chewinthefatbr.com slash Poddex, you can get your own physical.

45:49
which are really, really cool looking decks as well. You can carry around with you and give them out as like business cards and stuff if you want to. That was fun. Yeah, but yeah, and you use the promo code CHU, you get 10% off your order. So these are fast five questions. You can just answer them however you want to. First thing off top of your head, okay, there are no wrong answers. I don't care what Wes said, there are no wrong answers. I listened to Charon does and I was like, oh man, what's gonna happen here? Okay. So question number one.

46:21
Pancakes or waffles? Waffles. Why? Because I just like the way they look. Now, if I'm cooking them pancakes, because they're so much easier, but if I'm eating them, totally gonna be waffles. But I mean, they have a waffle iron and you just put pancake batter in a waffle iron and then it's easy. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Because if you get the like only add water pancake mix, which is what this girl does, in order to make waffles, you have to add an egg,

46:51
and an oil to it. It's not, you cannot just put pancake batter into a waffle maker. Mom tip. I did not know that. That is a good mom tip. Check your box. That is awesome. Check your box. All right, and question number two.

47:09
Have you ever sleep walked or talked in your sleep? I don't believe that I have ever talked in my sleep, but I have had to stop Dave from having a meeting in his. Really? Yes, he will sit straight up in the bed and have a full on work meeting. But no, I've never done that, not to my knowledge. I was asleep. You were asleep at night. If you talked in your sleep or sleepwalk. I have sleepwalked before. It's been many,

47:39
I know and I know I snore. I know that's not talking but I didn't know but I remember I remember vividly what happened and then also I remember vividly my mom telling me what actually transpired we had gone down to Florida to go to a Disney world or whatever staying at some motel as you do and I think I was probably around eight years old and I got up out of the bed and I went to the bathroom and went to the bathroom but what I didn't know was that I actually did

48:09
go to the bathroom and I went to the corner of the hotel room and just peed in the corner. My sister did that in the hamper. No, I just did it in the corner. I thought I thought it was a thought. I mean, I didn't even hit a hamper. I mean, it was just the corner room. So yeah, so we had to get extra towels. So I have a sleepwalk before. Clean up in aisle three. All right. Question number three.

48:36
How long would you last on the Great British Baking Show? 3.2 seconds. That's it. Not episodes, 3.2 seconds. 3.2 seconds. No baking. Come on, you were a mom for 28 years. I mean, you're always a mom, but you know, I mean, in the house, I mean, you had to be late birthday cakes. Yes, I did bake, I did. No, I didn't. Cookies, no? Yes, I baked things, but it was just so much easier to buy it and just stick it on a pan.

49:06
and then you had the cookie dough pre-made and it edible and all the things. I'm not a baker. I can follow a recipe. I can bake, I choose not to. For yourself and for others. For others. That's awesome. All right, and question number four.

49:29
What did you want to be when you were growing up? A mom. Well, look at that. Dreams do come true. They do. That is awesome. They came true four times. That's awesome. I'm gonna go off a tangent here. Was it more than what you thought it was gonna be? Was it not all what you thought being a mom was gonna be when you look back at little Liz wanting to be a mom? You know what? I don't even, in everything that happened to little Liz, I don't know what she thought a mom was.

49:59
I think the greatest example that I had was my mama. She was the most incredible human being that I knew, and I've always said that I will strive to be like her with everything that I do. And when I look at, I don't know what little Liz thought motherhood was going to be, but I'll never forget peeing on that stick when I found out I was pregnant with Grace, and just thinking,

50:29
Wow. And then she came into this world and then Lee came along and Abby came along and Sean came along and watching their relationships develop and watching who they've become and just, I think the greatest accomplishment, the greatest honor. I can't even, I don't have as much as I can talk and as many words as I have. I don't have enough words to describe. Number one, how much I love them.

50:59
number two, how incredibly proud I am to be their mother. And for as many struggles as we went through, it was easy. They made being a mom so damn easy, because they just did, they just made it easy. They just did. They're just good people, and I'm really, really proud of them. That's awesome. All right. And number five.

51:29
You

51:32
Name one thing on your bucket list.

51:37
Oh geez, I just said to somebody today that going to Vegas is on my bucket list, but that's not a good one. Why? Have you ever been to Vegas? I haven't been to Vegas. And I just feel like I need to go to Vegas, but I'm like, yeah, it's on my bucket list, but it's not like the bucket list item. I mean, you know. My bucket list item, the one thing that is on my bucket list, and sorry kids, I cannot fucking wait to meet my grandchildren one day. I've always said to my kids, I said, if I don't make it to a point

52:07
where I'm alive when they come to be, please let them know how much I just loved the thought of them. I just love the thought of being a mamma one day. And I've always heard that, you know, you love your kids. Oh my God, do you love your kids? But damn, when those grandkids come along, it's like you didn't even know that you had that kind of capacity to love.

52:37
And as much as I love my kids, I can't imagine what that's gonna be like to finally, and not finally, I mean, they're not that old, but yeah, to finally freaking be a grandma and have that just incredible love and have this tiny little human being think that I am the be all end all, because my kids don't think I'm the be all end all, they love me and all, but those grandkids, trust me when I tell you, they're gonna love me like my dogs do. I will be the be all end all for my grandchildren.

53:07
And I look forward to it. That is so awesome. Do you have a grandma name picked out? Mama. Mama. I am going to be mama because my mama was the most incredible human being. And I want to emulate that. I want my kids to look at me and think, oh my God, my mama was the greatest thing ever. That's so cool. That is so cool. Well, that's it. That's our fast five. That's the show as well. Thank you so much for coming on and talking to me today. I love that we have this time to sit around.

53:37
You do. If folks wanna keep up with you, where can they find you on social media? You know what, I am on Facebook, and if you Facebook friend me and just, you know, send me a little message that said you heard me and just wanna know more about me, I will certainly accept your friend request and we can talk. I'm also on Instagram, I'm LizBell4. Don't post a lot there. I just, you know, I'm not into the Twitter thing. I need to get my kids to help me out with that. I do love TikTok, so if you're on TikTok, I don't know what my name is on there. I think it's Elizabeth Bellmer. I really don't. I haven't done a TikTok yet.

54:07
I keep threatening, but my kids have basically said, if you get TikTok famous for talking about menopause, we will disown you. But I think that might even happen at some point, so I don't know. But yeah, I'm not on the social media that much, but I'll give you my phone number if you want to wing chat. There you go. Bring a text, it's fine. I want to make sure, if people want to find out more, if you got more nuggets, a life, life nuggets form, I got lots of live nuggets. I want to make sure that they can find your Kip over here. Thank you so much again for being here. Thank you, I really appreciate it, it's fine. I really appreciate you.

54:37
being here. If you would like to support this podcast, you can buy me a coffee at chewingthefatbr.com. You can check out all the previous guests along with Liz's information as well. And I look forward to the next time we have a chance to sit a spell and chew the fat.